Questions That Are Key to the Electric Vehicle’s Future Success

What batteries do electric vehicles take?

If not nine-volt, what should I do with the batteries I bought on Amazon back when my smoke alarm was beeping for no reason? I have a pallet that I purchased during that “lost week” when my furnace was acting funny, and they expired last month, so I need to use them ASAP—preferably in an electric vehicle because they seem to just rattle around when I put them in my Mazda’s gas tank.

Do you want to buy my Mazda?

Even if you can barely hear the batteries in the gas tank?

If your electric vehicle gets struck by lightning, is that like getting a free tank of gas?

So there’s no gas tank?

What if you like the smell of gas? Wait, that’s a real light-bulb moment. We can sell dangly little trees that smell like gas! Well, I can. Remember, I’m not so sold on your idea, either, bud.

Tommy Edison didn’t drive an electric vehicle, so why should I?

You’re saying that he designed one, but a dispute with the Ford Motor Company got it shelved before they could go into production?

Did Hank Ford realize that he’d be in the red every time a thunderstorm came rolling through?

Do I think he sold gas? No. Yes. I mean, he should’ve. I’m no Elon Musk, but I can tell you that if he didn’t, ol’ Fordy left a lot of money on the table.

Nick Tesla is a bigshot now, but how come I never heard of him before Elon Musk started posting his memes on Twitter?

Is Elon a nickname? If so, what’s it short for? Elonald? Eloncé?

Why did I come to your dealership today? To get some answers. And maybe test-drive myself home. It started raining on my way here.

How did I get to the dealership today? I walked and then ran for a bit when “Dog Days Are Over” by Florence and the Machine came on shuffle—but quit trying to make this about me!

You’re no Flo, but tell me about your machine: How do electric vehicles hold up in the rain? I’d hate to fry Bambi because it started to mist a bit.

How often do I hit deer with my car? Not very often, of late. But that reminds me—why is it always electric “vehicle” this, electric “vehicle” that? Why don’t you call it a car like the rest of us?

There are electric vans and trucks, too? What about Jet Skis?

Do you want to buy my Mazda Jet Ski? I did a twofer back in ’08. Saved a boatload.

Why would you say “more like a Jet Ski-load”? Boats are way bigger.

How much do these electric vehicles cost, anyway?

These electric vehicles cost how much?

What about for just a Jet Ski?

How many nautical miles do you get per charge?

Has anyone thought of adding a sail to save battery?

What about a kite and a key, Xander Hamilton style?

What do you mean that wasn’t him?

Have you even seen “Hamilton”? Fine, I’ll take your word for it.

Why do I have to call everyone by a nickname?

Does my forced familiarity erect a wall that, ironically, protects me from the potential downsides of true intimacy?

Can an electric vehicle drive through one of these walls? What if I charge it all night?

How long does it take to charge, anyway?

Can I use that time to call my therapist? I heard that electric vehicles don’t make noise.

But I can make noise inside of my otherwise quiet electric vehicle?

And people will hear me when I honk my horn along to whatever song pops into my head?

Electric vehicles have stereos?

Do the stereos take nine-volt batteries?

Closing up the dealership already?

Can’t you plug yourself in, Robby?

Why am I calling you Robby?

Did I think I was talking to a robot?

Did your electric car at least drive itself here while you caught a few z’s or knocked out a couple of rounds of Jenga?

Are we living in the future or not? ♦