How to Survive This Gas Apocalypse
You may have noticed the end is nigh. While every corner of the country points its finger at the other like some Spiderman meme, we’d rather offer some deeply practical tips for cutting down that gas bill. This is not garden-variety wisdom, but the kind of exclusive insight you’ll find only at Kinardi Line, tailored for our readership of consummate enthusiasts.
Here are a few highly practical tips for weathering this ultimate gas apocalypse, which is unprecedented and certainly hasn’t happened about five times in my life to this point. No siree, this is THE REAL DEAL this time.
Ahem. Yes. Onward. To the tips!
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Tip #1: Consider an Old Diesel Mercedes (and/or rendering your pets for crude oil).
If you’ve ever read Cormac McCarthy’s post-apocalyptic epic, The Road, you’ll notice there are more cannibals roaming the scablands of our future than lap dogs. Desperate times, as they say. Yes, Devon is an expensive Cockapoo, bred by
a puppy mill upstate some highly accredited puppy rescue you found on Instagram. Or, rather, Devon was an expensive Cockapoo. Poor Devon.
As ever, it’s best to get ahead of shortages before they arise, so figure out which pets you can do without in the coming months. If you haven’t stockpiled essentials like toilet paper, holographic Charizards, and crudely rendered oil already, well man, you just haven’t been reading the literature. As a silver lining for us car enthusiasts, most any diesel rig can run on the used cooking oil from restaurants with just a few tweaks. The same goes for even more primitive oils like those rendered from mammal fats. If nothing, this is finally an excuse to buy that frumpy gorgeous diesel Mercedes you’ve always wanted. Even The Road
Shame that Devon won’t be around to scratch up all that old Mercedes leather though. And should you run out of pets but still need combustibles to run the old Mercedes tractor, there’s always Grandma.
Tip #2: Blame Thy Neighbors
While high gas prices are a regressive tax against the poor and working classes, that’s far less interesting than casting blame on Facebook. This crisis is YOUR president’s fault, uncle Rick!
One thing’s for certain: instead of lifting one another up, someone needs to be shamed. The owners of gas-guzzling Super Duty work rigs should make for soft targets. Take to Twitter and teach them about fiscal responsibility. They should’ve bought something more sensible like a gas-guzzling work van or an electric work vehicle which can’t haul any of their lumber or tools to a job site without recharging during billable hours. Serves them right for working in a trade that requires a truck to function as a tool, rather than a lifestyle accessory that’s mostly used for showing off suspension articulation on the curbs outside Starbucks (remind me to write another column about people who affix bulky pop-up tents to the top of their 4Runners).
Okay this tip won’t actually cut your gas bill, per se, but it’ll sure make that $150 fill up go down smoother. Just don’t look down your nose at sports car owners whinging about gas prices. That hits too close to home.
Tip #3: Save Gas By “Home-ing From Work”
This is gigabrain content here. We’re gonna disrupt the whole dang schema. You’ll never worry about the increased cost of commuting again, or even spending time with your children. Instead of Working From Home, how about Home-ing From Work?
Stick with me here.
Like any good consumer capitalist, we should see this crisis as an opportunity, a chance to protect the pockets of the truly vulnerable: our shareholders. And nothing could streamline synergistic efficiencies quite like having staff available for 24 hours. On a personal level, it’ll save employees more than just gas money to house them at the office. Actuarial tables will show that workers will be less likely to perish if they stay at the office all day, boosting productivity and cutting expensive turnover.
Employees will save on consumables; there’s no heating or water bill to pay; you’ll never worry about what’s for dinner because the cafeteria shuts down at 3:00. Sure you’ll have to do laundry in a toilet but that, my friend, comes gratis. Plus you’ll never be late for work again.
Given how employers have begged reluctant employees to give up their new lives working from home in favor of crawling through traffic to arrive at a stretch of faceless cubicles, this overcorrection is an inevitable outcome. And really, if you look at it under the influence, this scenario is identical to working from home anyways.
We’ll ready a cot for you in the freight elevator. You’ll sleep quite well down there, even though you’ll miss the wife, kids, and family dog. RIP Devon.
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